Adulting: Chronicles of a Pessimist’s success

Tassleem Lee
Jun 4, 2024
45 min read

Updated: 3 days ago

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The names of the characters in this book may or may not have been changed. You may never know. The references to these characters are based on true events. (Or are they?)

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The grammar may not be 100%, but reality is better than perfection.

Adulting: Chronicles of a Pessimist’s success

Friday July 21 2023 3:52pm

I’m at His house working on the script for his Papi song’s music video.

Saturday July 22 2023 10:05am

Low mood once again. I went to bed gasming (phantom orgasms). I woke up gasming. I’ve been gasming all morning. To some this may be a good thing. For me, it just makes me feel violated. I don’t want the incubus to have sex with me.

I’m getting ready for my friend’s wedding. Their camping wedding. They rented out the entire campsite. Neato.

I’m watching Alex Hormozi’s video titled “Millionaire Reveals 7 things I wish they taught in schools.” His list is (I hope I don’t get sued for sharing his ideas).

Philosophical
Financial
Relational
Emotional
Professional
Physical
Foundational (reading, writing, math)

I want to teach this to humans far and wide.

10:51pm

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I’ve had about 8-10 drinks thus far. I’m barely buzzed. Possibly drunk in adult form. Maybe as my liver has aged it has allowed me to consume more alcohol with little effect. Or, this booze is not that strong.

Any who, I saw my Tassleem dream tiny house today at the campsite.

It’s approximately 16 feet x 18 feet. 288 square Tassleem feet seeing as how I measured with my feet. It has a loft where the bed is and a full bathroom with a bathtub. A frickin’ bathtub! I’m so happy I got to see it. I didn’t get to see the smaller cabins.

I really wish I could find this reciprocal love that I’ve heard of where the other person wants to spend all their time in your presence. Sounds dreamy. I don't think I’ve ever had a glued at the hip relationship. I wonder if I would like it? I’ve only had that in friendship. And that friendship ended horribly. Well maybe I will join the wedding party and see if I feel like a normal human that enjoys socializing. Normal right?

Sunday July 23 2023

The river is soothing. Not soothing enough to not be checking my back every few seconds to be sure a bear isn’t sneaking up on me. I spent a good portion of last night and this morning wondering if this would be the one. The camping trip where I would get murdered by a bear. It still could be. I am, after all, sitting in a chair by a river in the sticks, in the country. Home of the bears.

I sort of want to start packing up, but I think people in the other tents might wake up if I do. I’m probably the only one awake right now. I wonder if the community room is open? Lemme go check.

Sunday July 23 2023 606pm

Ah! I just checked my clear score and my credit rating went from 684 to 686. Thats the first time it’s moved in forever! I know it’s because I go a credit card. Yay! Lemme check out Alpha Centauri. The artist that the fellow from the wedding manages. Ok. Any who. I think He who shall not be named has more marketability.

Mon July 24 2023 4:43pm

I’m at His place. We’re about to film some of a music video for his song Papi. I’m looking at creative BC’s career development grant. The deadline is September 6 2023. Wow. There’s a live music grant whose deadline is September 27 2023. There’s also a demo recording grant that opens on Dec 13 2023 and closes on February 15 2024. I’m sleepy.

455pm

I went to the mall to get some groceries and on the way out I saw an ad for urban academy at the bottom that said CAIS, Canadian accredited independent schools candidate school and ISABC, independent schools assoiciation of BC. Amazing. Lemme check it out.

Wed July 26 2023 7:52am

Jidenna tells me he wants to boomerang in an upbeat song called, surprise, surprise, boomerang. I love this song!

Now Beyonce thumps about not letting someone break my soul. If I were to make a music video about this song I would probably have a rabbit going around doing errands and not having any money. Haha. My life.

I’m sitting in the captain’s seat going backward on the millennial line. I’m going to meet a friend at court. Later I’m going to the fireworks at the beach with Christian ECE and the friend from court. Yay! I was also talking to House painter friend last night and told him I want to have a potluck on August 5th and sip and dip at the adult swim at the otter co-op rec centre that has waterslides. Woop! Fun to be had. Lemme start planning. Yahoo!!! I should hire a band for my potluck.

11:18pm

Soul lofi flows in my bachelorette suit. I just got home after staying at His house for a few days. We worked on his video so long today that I wasn’t able to go to English bay to see the fireworks with My ECE Christian Friend. Right before we went to burnaby mountain to see the fireworks. I go a text from the support worker job I applied for saying “Congratulations, you got the position.” Great! Because I was on my way to the food bank this week. Any who. Time to try and sleep so I’m alert for my class 5 road test. I’ve had my new driver green magnet for 25 years. Most people probably only keep it for as short a time as possible which I believe is 1 year. I’m scared of taking tests, so I’ve avoided the test like the plague.

I don’t

Want to go

To sleep

And

I don’t

Want to

Wake

Tues Aug 1 2023 7:57pm

I’m on my way to a vigil in Surrey for my cousin’s husband who passed away on Sunday by way of hit and run. They had a 4 or 5 year old son. A super sweet and gentle boy. Which must mean the parents are super sweet and gentle. I’m getting teary eyed thinking about him growing up his whole life without his dad. It’s so sad. I don’t really want to go to this vigil. I hate sad scenarios. But He who shall not be named drilled it into my head that it’s disrespectful not to pay your respects.

I’m listening to ‘know them. Bad words’ mix on Spotify. He who shall not be named and his friends are so talented. Why aren’t they rich and famous?

I’ve been helping him film his music video for his new song, Papi. The hook is “I can’t get you off of my mind”. It's super catchy.

I’m sad my ACL is ruined. I can’t do warrior pose in yoga. I tried the other day and my knee popped out.

Fri Aug 4 2023 4:25pm

Oh my friggin' gawd. I just got into a scooter accident. I was looking at my phone to change the songs cuz all the afro beats songs I was listening to had the same beats. The afro beats gods must’ve gotten mad that I thought such a statement and had me crash into the back of a mint condition car. It was parked on the side of the road. That’ll cost $1,000 to $2,000. Fudge. I guess that $28 I made door dashing today has found a new direction.

Sat Aug 6 2023 209pm

Oh geeze! I’m so happy! My credit score went up by 69 points! Yay! I’m at 755. Wahoo!!! I’m so happy. The mortgage guy at Vancity told me that 720 and up is good credit. I thought over 680 was. I was wrong. Thank goodness I got a credit card. Praise Buddah.

Mon Aug 7 2023 4:07pm

I’m listening to the book ‘The Ultimate pick up artist’s playbook “ on Audible. I’m so happy I’m listening to it. They were talking about a tactic men should use to get women to do what they want. The book tells them to pick the woman up. Literally. Someone who shall remain nameless picks me up all the time. Wonder if he’s read or listened to this book?

I ordered a foot file and callus remover from amazon. My heels are hideous. I’m soaking my feet in some warm water and baking soda and epsom salt. Then I’m going to scrub It with my pumice and then slather it in shea butter and Vaseline and then put socks on. I’m suppose to leave very soon to go to a yoga, massage and sound bath at local health integrative clinic. I’ve always wanted to go to a sound bath.

Sat August 19 2023 842pm

I keep throwing up in my mouth a lil bit. Ew. I think it’s the mashed potato and pesto I had. My tummy is popped. Maybe I’m allrergic to potatoes.

I’m watching “Ladies first: A story of women in hip hop”. It’s very interesting and can be applied to women in 2023 in general in a lot of ways as far as women living in a man’s world.

My ankle hurts. I think I just got two new stretch marks. I did first aid training today and got 25/25 on the final exam. And I start work with people addicted to hard core drugs and coming out of homelessness on the down town east side in 2 days. I’m sad and scared. I don’t know why I chose this job. I guess I just wanted to choose a job that wouldn’t really care if I had to leave. Any who, I finished the commercial for Kristin Riley RMT.

Tues Sep 5 2023 339pm

My coochie la is still pulsating after a glorious 3 minute session with Wilson. I needed that. I haven’t been that active in the last 72 hours as I worked Sunday and Monday and then relaxed most of today, so t was good to get the energy out with a ginormous “o”.

Thur Sep 7 2023 819pm

Well, I just had my second sobbing like a toddler cry in the last 2 hours. The first was from going to an audio visual club connected to the local library and thinking everyone could read my thoughts. Then remembering that I may never fully feel calm when meeting groups of people. Ever. Again.

My eyes are still stinging from the 2nd cry I had literally 4 minutes ago in the car driving home from his house. He is officially dating someone. Now the one person I could get snuggles from, snuggles and cuddles, is gone. And sometimes sex. Any who. I’m pretty sad. I always hoped we could get back together in the future. I guess I should stop day dreaming about what our kids would look like. I feel nauseous. Life is literally making me want to vomit.

906pm

He’ll probably be married with children in the next 2 years.

Sat Sep 9 2023 1059am

I’ve been pretty sad since before I found out Mr. has a Ms. Oh well. Trying not to wallow. On the brighter side, I saw the guy with the impeccable lawn without his turban. Daymn! He looked like an East Indian Fabio. Hair really does make a difference. Christian ECE is coming over today for a productivity session. I feel so lost these days. Ii’m working on a list of events. The expo and the room 19 series event as well as Khaliyl’s kids 6th annual photo day sessions. I’m excited, but also sad I’m not making guaranteed $ with any of them. I need money! Not only to possibly start a family, but I’m sicker than sick and tired of this struggle.

4:48pm

This is one of my all time favourite songs. Sunday best by surfaces. Love ‘em. I just left Christian ECE at my house. She’s completing her serving it right. She is using my computer so it’s kinda hard to do the UGC editing I was suppose to do.

I’m on my way to Car Free Days on Commercial Drive.

I want to check out the vendor booths as well as promote my business. The train isn’t as packed as I thought it would be. I feel so frustrated with life. Uhck. Any who, I’m starting to think about him. I better start working before I start crying on this god damn public transit.

Thursday September 14 2023 346pm

I can’t stop crying and whimpering like a deserted puppy. I just spoke with him and he was saying how much he likes his new girl and reminded me that he doesn’t want me to call him pet names like honey because sometimes I’m on speaker phone and she is always with him. “I don’t want her to think I’m cheating cuz I’m not a cheater.” He sounded so sincere. I wish I believed him when we were together. I told him I’m happy for him. That he found someone. I really meant it. He told me I’ll find someone too. I’m getting drunk tonight. Activist Momma is having a BBQ.

4:19pm

Did I forget to mention that he said he wants to settle down? I called it. Married with a kid in two years. Any way, I just did my make up so I better stop thinking about It before the tears return.

Tue Sep 19 2023 9:15pm

My goodness. We had a chat today at the Mission house about the LGBTQ peeps who I was told are also known as SO G and the fact that in middle school, Abbotsford middle school I believe, a grade 6 mom requested the grade 6 sex ed curriculum and learned that her child was being taught how to perform sexual acts such as anal and blow jobs.That doesn’t sit well with me. I also got some baby pink Timeberlands at Plato’s closet. Yay! I’ve always wanted a pair. As well as a navy blue velvet a line dress. I love Plato’s closet. They have such cute clothes and amazing prices.

Sun Sep 24 2023 1145am

I’m at Mico Taco on my lunch break. I feel super sensitive these days. I had a long cry on the way home from the Black Women in Business Exhibit. Social overload. Also, something doesn’t sit right with my buisness. I feel imposter-ee.

I met the executive director of Black build Up, Franklin. He is married to the founder of Black Women business Network. What a power couple. Christian ECE helped out at the booth. Thank goodness she was there. She’s so light hearted. Love her. I think I’m going to cancel the October 4th event since my partners pulled out. I’ll focus all my energy on the Family Day photo sessions for Khaliyl’s kids. Focus. Haha. Feels weird to put that word in context to me and what I’m doing with my life. Focus and Tassleem don’t always mix when it comes to projects. I always want to do a million things. What the heck am I doing with my life for realz?

1:28pm

My head is thumping. I ate a bunch of delicious chocolate that Christian ECE bought to thank me for helping her get ready to move. I think I’m allergic to sugar. Or maybe my pony tail is too tight. Any who. I landed my first Synergize Community Media Inc. Paying client.

PulsePlaycircles.ca. I’m so excited and proud of myself. The consultation we had was over 2 hours and it was at New Westminster Quay, sitting in the lounge chairs by the water. I feel really sad and my body is aching.

Do I even want a frickin’ media company? Ahck! I disgust myself.

…Oh my gawd. My gawd! I just came across ‘The Jai Institute for parenting’. Sponsored on Facebook. “What if there were millions of people trained on how to create connection between parents and children?” #changingtheworld

This makes my hopeful. Hopeful that one of the missions of Khaliyl’s Kids will be realized. I hope I don’t have a headache all day. I picked up a 3:30pm to 12am shift and then I work at 730am tomorrow. Then I have to help Christian ECE pack. Woop. Adulting is hard.7

Sun Oct 1 2023 2:39pm

I went to eat at Miso Taco on Union st and met Kyle, @miffer98 . I told him I have a media company and that he has a great look. (He fine). And asked him if he would ever be open to modelling. He said yes. He’s starting a trading company in Dubai. Wow.

Mon Oct 2 2023 11:16am

I can’t stop crying. Bawling and sobbing actually. I thought he was gonna punch me in the face! Needless to say I quit my job about 45 minutes ago. My eyes are burning.

I’m gonna miss a lot of people. And also, how am I going to buy land and build a house with out a job. I hope my momma isn’t disappointed that I quit. I think she’ll understand if I didn’t feel safe. I’mma call her and have a glass of Bombay on the rocks.

Thur Oct 5 2023 3:36am

I can’t believe I’m awake right now. I think I’m really stressed out about finances and the lack of a family of my own. I have a trial shift at a restaurant called PGs Jamaican Restaraunt in white rock on Friday and later today the Youtuber and Shopify guy is coming over. I’m going to ask him if he can teach me to work for myself and I’ll give him a % of my earnings for a year or something. I also went to Meet on Main with Activist Mom yesterday as well as the pool. I was reminded of bulletin boards in the downtown area and how they’re the perfect place for me to find healers, creatives, and change makers that need my services. Yay! I’m going to collect leads and put up my flyers today. Thank god I got my GST today. Phewph!

Sat Oct 7 2023 1059pm

I just finished my shift at PGs Jamaican restaurant and gave the other staff rides home. It crossed my mind that I can do an event, I mean on YouTube or Instagram, and people have to pay me to interview them and show their establishment and part of the pay I put towards advertising or I can do the video and they pay for ads, but the ad is connected to my YouTube Chanel and Instagram.

I also was reminded of my idea to have my house be a virtual thrift store and also sell stuff from other people’s homes. Have art on the walls, etc. I have too many ideas.

Sun Oct 8 2023 1220pm

I could make a video to promote and explain a helping home thrift shop and boutique community centre and show the video at my potlucks.

Tues Oct 10 2023 1203pm

He said he thinks he’s going to marry her. It’s official.. I’m a prep girlfriend. They always get married after they date me. Right frickin away. Why. Was it that terrible that anyone they date after me is a god sent?

Any ways. Time to make money. Forget men and romantic love. At 42 years old I’m starting to come to the verdict that I’m no good at that.

6:49pm

The YouTube-Shopifier is coming over for 7pm to help me film my first trying-to-make-money-with-YouTube video. I still haven’t scripted it.

I also just spoke with Montreal Momma about the possibility of doing exposine.ca

8:44pm

The Youtube Shopifier just left. I can’t believe I just created my first YouTube video. I hope it monies me.

(Subscribe to my channel! I'm going to give thangs away. Prizes! Maybe money.)

Thur Oct 19 2023 4:18pm

Oh my Gawd! I’m literally freaking out. I got the go ahead to film the commercial on Monday October 30th and I’m filming a commercial tomorrow and I can’t get a hold of he who shall not be named to work with me. Ahhhh! I want to cry. My mouth is dry. My back hurts. I’m exhausted and wide awake. Oh well. Better get to work .

4:36pm

Still very anxious. But it’s better to be anxious and feel like screaming cuz I think I’ll do a bad job filming than because I’m thinking someone is cheating on me. Forget relationships.

I can't be in a relationship until I go to therapy about my lack of trust in romantic relationships.

Sat Oct 21 2023. 6:37am

Oh my. My stomach is yelling at me in a gurgling fashion. I had some food court Chinese food last night. It was delicious, but I woke up with an anger in my abdomen. I’m at the community centre sitting in front of Gym 1. There’s a sturdy game of badminton going on on the other side of the window. He ended up coming to film with me yesterday. Thank goodness. We make a pretty good team. It’s fun being on set as the producer. We filmed at a spa called Guava. The owner had an amazing body. Like a Brap brap kind of body and the spa is very aesthetically pleasing with big trees and forest green velvet chairs. I also met a lash tech that was selling different kinds of bags of different sizes with zippers and buttons. Cute patterns. I may do a product photo shoot for her. Anyhow. I think I’m going to buy a camera in the next couple days. Better go gym and pool so I can get my day started.

740pm

I’m at a @fadetoblackentertainment event at @thewell.studio in @citycentreartistlodge in Vancouver. @Naurally.herb just told me about @vancouverpoetryslam at @community.yvr on Mondays. I feel kinda anxious now that people are filtering in. Especially the women. As I’m trained to view them as competitors for my phantom future husband that may or may not end up within these 4 walls.

If this was my event I would have the talent’s instagram on a projector. They would get 2 or more drinks each and some food. There are 18 chairs at this event. The space is about 600 square feet. Not including the bathroom and bar. Apparently it is $25/hr and $575 for the night. Maybe 7pm to 3am.

Yay! Another woman with natural hair just came in. Sisteren. Is that a word? Haha. It’s 8pm. When is this thing going to start? There are 8 people here so far… 9, someone just walked in. 2 more.

804pm

Oh, someone just mentioned that the host is on the way and mentioned if we want to be judges it’ll be helpful. Ah! He just asked me if I want to be a judge. Helllllll to the no! So I shook my head to say no with a big Canadian smile.

907pm

@naturallyherb just performed a riveting song about planet earth and sustainability. I think I’m going to leave early. There are 16 bodies here all together. Including the staff. 7 are performing tonight. I’m getting sleepy.

Sun Oct 22 2023 1010am

A woman at the pool told me I have a “very feminine walk”. Also, I’m at someone’s house right now and their child said “I hate her so much” referring to me. I’ve never done anything to make her hate me. She just hates me. She’s 12. Makes me sad.

Tue Oct 24 2023 8:36pm

I’m watching “The origin and rise of Mr. Beast” full documentary | on the curiosity stream channel on Youtube. He was just talking about giving away money. He gave a $300 tip to a pizza delivery guy and that the next day the pizza guy came back and said that he was able to take the day off and spend it with his kids. I wish I could stop working and spend my day with my business babies. I really want to see if I can have people sponsor me.

By the way, I’ve been going to the food bank and I got 3 year expired granola cereal from there. Ewww. Why aren’t they checking dates?

Did you know Mr. Beast’s real name is Jimmy? Ok. I’m going to create a proposal for me to help 10 people in business and life and see if I can get sponsors. The people have to be ok with being in my book and on my social media and YouTube and maybe a movie. Basically any media I make.

Mon Oct 30 2023 712am

Oh my gawd! I just read a text from Him saying he hurt his leg and we may have to reschedule the commercial. Ahhh! We can’t reschedule! Oh Jeeze and peas. I’m going to have to do it on my own. Good gawd!

Tue Oct 31 2023 926am

I’m at the rec centre. The library opens in 4 minutes. I’m going to print the sponsor proposal and go see if some banks will sponsor me. Someone told me yesterday that people think Im weird and that people don’t like me because of it. All because I was excited that I was finishing my sponsor proposal at a social gathering and I was dancing and thinking funny stuff and laughing to myself while they were sitting like robots watching a movie with no emotion. Maybe they’re the weirdos.

Wed Nov 1 2023 741am

I just got to the rec centre. I feel instantly better. I woke up this a.m. and started getting ready for going to Langley to do some landscaping. Then I felt an overwhelming feeling of dread. I texted the boss and told him I’m not coming. Then spent about 2 hours walking around in circles freaking out and chat-gpting ways to make money.

I think I’m going to come here as soon as it opens as much as possible.

WTF am I doing?!!? Ah! Okay. Calm down. Time to gym and pool.

Sat Nov 4 2023 659pm

I’m listening to yet another song where the artist sounds like my ex. Why does every single Huffington post afro beast artist sound like him? Ah! Any who, I just finished a gym session and went to the hot tub, sauna, and pool.

I’ve been awake since 2 fricking a.m. What in the literal hell? Day drinking is really fucking up my sleep and waist. The fried chicken for almost every meal can’t be helping either.

I’ve aged 10 years in the last 2 weeks. Seriously.

I created a schedule last night that includes rising at 5am and being at the community centre by 6am every day of the week. Then working from 9am -3pm. I hope I can stick to it. I also decided that my intermittent fasting window is from 5pm to 10am and I’ll eat between 10am and 5pm.

I also just had the thought that I could write in my journal every a.m. after the pool and read it to YouTube every evening with some extra commentary. Then the books will be for sale and I’ll have a quarterly event and a yearly main event. Is that too much? Geeze. I think I’m always doing too much and not enough money and family making or getting type stuff.

I think I will try and do a video a day until January 1st 2024. Suppose I’ll go home and make lunch and get ready for the car auction.

5:21pm

My mouth is a desert. I had some sugary aloe vera drink. Didn’t help. I’m at the mall. There are kids everywhere and I’m trying not to cry. I want one of my own so badly, but I’m not financially ready or emotionally mature enough. I’ve walked 11,341 steps. I’m going to cry so I guess I should go home.

Sun Nov 5 2023 711am

I couldn’t go to the pool today cuz I forgot my towel. That’s okay because the shorts I have give me camel toe. I think I’ll donate them. I still have 2 hours and 45 minutes before I can eat. Oh sheet! I’m peckish. My arms are starting to get big and defined. Wooohooo! I’m so happy. The personal trainer at the rec centre gave me the advice that plank is good for abs. Everyone says that. So I tried it for 60 seconds and it was pretty good. I was watching YouTube today and someone said to write 3 action steps to get yourself closer to your # 1 goal. Everyday. Let me go over my schedule and plan my day.

10:08am

The pastor is talking about Joy. And people getting annoyed by joyful people nowadays. He’s getting the congregation to repeat “I will sing” I really like this pastor. He just said “Joy gives you the strength to face challenges”. I think I love him. Too bad he’s married. Haha. He said Vancouver has more depressed people than anywhere else. I’m not sure if he means in the world. When I start my club/church I’m going to start with singing and end with a guided meditation. I will always have a gratitude moment and some kind of recognition for each other like a hug or handshake or high five or smile, and visualization for a better future.

Wed Nov 8 2023 230am

I keep waking up around 2 in the a.m. for the last 3 or 4 days. What the heck? I just got my period. No wonder I’ve been feeling so weepy and cranky. Also, the lack of sleep. Any who, I’m starting to like editing. I spent the last couple hours of last night editing my YouTube video and had so many belly laughs. On account of my hilariousness. Today is my friend’s birthday. It’s also my first every boyfriend’s birthday from 23 years ago.

745am

I asked a guy with chia pet spiky hair if I could touch his hair. He said yes! Haha. I just saw my Special Needs friend. As usual she asked “What are you doing?” I love her. She is so innocent and unbothered. My idol really.

808am

This is a commercial I could create for YouTube and life ..

Do you want to reach your goals and have your dreams come true? So do I. And I want to teach you to succeed and have your life be as close to content and happy as possible. All you have to do to help me help you is subscribe and play my videos in the background.

Thursday Nov 9 2023 748am

I’m at Calabash bistro for open mic. It is frickin awesome! I’m so happy I didn’t wait for someone to come with me. I saw Collage Artist here. She is by herself as well. She is so adorable. They started playing the song Valerie and everyone started signing along. Everyone seems so hip. They’re playing chill loft type jazzy razz ma Tazzy type music. LIVE! Ah! I love it.

801pm

Yay! They’re starting on time. Wha what? Azee is first. @asmaiteg. I’m sleepy and they don’t have coffee so I’m having a coke. There’s 39 grams of sugar. Ah! Yikes. Uhck. Oh well.

Oh my goodness. Azee is so incredibly talented and I met a guy names Sylvester, @diysly, (My first cat’s name) . He’s an artist manager. Cool. Next is Noah… oh… he’s not here. Next is J.C. Wow. J.C. is also so talented. @casuallyjc. She singing Just the two of us. Love this song. Will Smith represent. Haha. Noah came back. He said he got offered a smoke and thought he had more time, then said something about a conundrum. He’s singing about liking rain. Oh my. He wrote the song. And he plays the guitar. Wow. @noahfine. The band is amazing. Lemme see how many cards I have, I’m going to hand my card out and see if I can work with some of these peeps. Now is Collage Artist . She’s performing! She’s doing ‘For the love of you’ by Whitney cuz she said she’s feeling bold. Tee-hee. Next is Agasha @agash.nm. She’s singing “If I ain’t got you’ by Alicia Keys. Wait a second, she’s in a wheel chair and there is no elevator to the basement. How did she get down here? She must’ve had help. That must be frustrating. Next is John. He’s singing “Going nowhere slow’ The opening is “You gotta leave this town.” Haha. Yeah I do. Next, @etheralella. Oh! There is spoken word. Mmmmkay. She said love is sometimes a gateway to abuse. So true and terrible.

Next is Faith.

She’s singing “Valerie” by Amy Winehouse. I got a bunch of people’s insta’s. But I’m feeling a bit depleted cuz I’m usually snoring by now. It’s 907pm and my telepathy is rearing it’s mean ole head… I think I’m going to go before it gets worse. It’s been fun.

Tues Nov 14 2023 953am

I’m at Church’s chicken again. I figure if I have to have a struggle with alcohol and fast food that having 5 chicken wings is better than having 6 beer. I hope I’m right. I just finished at the gym and pool and hot tub and sauna. It’s so nice to see regulars and get to know their names. One of them said “Here comes trouble” when they saw me”. Haha. She’s so adorable. I’m going to go look at a 1999 ford escort station wagon today. It has over 222,000 km and has no e-break, but it’s only $700. So. Yeah. I think I’m starting to have hot flashes. Menopause and a baby less future here I come. Uhck. Sorrow.

Oh yeah. I ran into the Korean guy that use to work at the dealership. He also goes to the gym and pool everyday. He’s nice. My back hurts. I think I’m stressed out.

Wed Nov 15 2023 1148amm

Yahooobaleedooballee! I just completed the Multiculturalism and anti racism grants application. Woohoo! It took me an hour and 30 minutes. I was also asked for a financial statement and I put one from 2018. Yikes. Oh well. Even if I don’t get it the experience was a learning one. Now. I know I have to do a financial statement.

Thur Nov 16 2023 911pm

I just had my 2nd or 3d cry for the day. Being broke and realizing I no longer believe in love is really taking it’s toll on me.

I’m on page 12 of a book I got at my free library called “The Dead Romantics” by Ashely Poston. It a great book, but in those 12 pages the author has overstated multiple reasons why romance doesn’t work or last or exist. Not only am I losing faith in love between lovers, but also Love. In general. I don’t even have a personal definition I feel comfortable and confident in.

I’m dehydrated. Let me figure out how to make money until I fall asleep.

Thur Nov 23 2023 728pm

Jorja Smith and J-Hus tell people or some person not to look in their eyes because they’re still in their feelings. I remember this one time I was at his house. I think it was after we broke up. He looked into me. Literally inside of me and I could swear he could see every dark shameful emotion that sat under my skin. “Don’t look at me.” I told him shrivelling into myself. I didn’t want eyes on me. Like that. I wanted arms around me. Arms with no eyes. Protecting me from the demons that were. trying to pull me off the ledge I stood on daily.

How are people so happy? Seamless happiness. I’m sitting on the other side of the gymnasium wall watching smiles and giggles as birds shoot back and forth over the badminton net over and over in an endless display of camaraderie and team work.

I went to the gym for 7 minutes and the pool for 20 minutes. I’ve lost so much gym strength. Today was full of drudgery. I didn’t want to do anything. I booked two venues. The Surrey library for the family day photo sessions with Khaliyl’s kids and my birthday book launch on Saturday March 30. Now it’s real. Time to plan. The rec centre is so frickin’ busy. Holy shamoly. I think I’ll plan tomorrow.

Sun Dec 3 2023 1026am

I just got to church. 3 minutes shy of 1 hour late. I thought the church was suppose to move and went on a wild goose chase trying to find the new location and it took me to a different church with the same name as my church. I had all these weird nazi other reality thoughts when I went into the church. The guy had a shaved head and there were only white people. I’m so terrified that when I die I will wake up in my real life and it will be in debilitating psychological and physically torturous hell. Speaking of hell. I’m so terrified of working full time. My days will consist of 2 hours of travel, maybe more, and 8.5 hours at the daycare. Where I don’t get to put my systems into place to have the facility run smoother without struggling with the higher ups. Waaahh!

Oye. The pastor is talking about eggs going dry and not being able to have babies. Definitely not my favourite topic of conversation.

I’m not wearing undies under my shin lengthen pin striped skirt. Tee-hee! Scandalous.

Mon Dec 4 2023 1:58pm

I can hear one of the teachers remind a child that they’re being too loud. As well as another teacher shushing the 3 - 5 year olds. The day is half over but it seem as though I’ve been here since last Wednesday. I really hope I get into the habit of waking up at 5am. That I will have more energy. Eating breakfast should help as well. Bye-bye intermittent fasting. Maybe I’ll eat from 6am to 1pm. Or something depending on my work schedule. I suppose I forgot to mention that this is my first day working at the daycare. I just had lunch and my break is over in 12 minutes. My body was so achey earlier. But the food has calmed the aches and anxiety. I will be happier once I have settled into the schedule of working here.

Wed Dec 6 2023. 3:51am

I’ve been awake since 219am. 219! Aye oh vaye. I’m watching the Calum Johnson show on YouTube. A video called “The No 1 leadership coach: How to achieve anything you want and die with no regrets | Kevin Cape”. It started off great. He said to write down where you want your life to be in 6 months. Lemme do that.

By July 6 2024 I want to have bought land in Senegal. I will have a basic understanding of French. I will have a successful online store, and money for a car in Senegal.

Friday Dec 15 2023 849pm

Today was quite a day. I can’t get into the details, but someone really really needed help. I helped. I’m tired. Emotionally and mentally and my heart has a slight pain. Maybe it’s a pang. I’m not sure. Any who, I feel like a good human today because I put my needs aside and helped someone that really needed it. I’m on the expo Line to meet sis. We’re going dancing at a Caribbean restaurant that has a lounge that turns into a place to shake a bootay or a foot depending on your vibe. I’m so warm . I hope there are some cute guys there. I’ve gotta pee like a race horse. Cuz I guess they can’t pee when they’re racing and I’ve been racing all day. There’s a group of 6 men standing in front of me and I feel so anxious I can’t breath.

Wonder if I’ll drink tonight. I got paid $400 less than I thought I would. WTF? I can’t decide if I want to buy a camera or save the money for food. Food is a life staple for most I suppose. Personally I’m trying to cut back. I don’t like pooping. Haha. How am I going to get clients?! I just moved seats so I’m not sitting next to the mens and dem. I feel 97% better. I can move. I’m not a tree. Lovely. Wonder what kind of music they’ll play? My plan was to tell anyone (mostly guys) that asked my name, that it’s Vaseline. And if they ask, I was going to say my name means Greatness in Swahili. Haaaa! Ridiculous. It’s kind of nice to be less worried about my appearance. My hair is in week old twists. Up do’d. And my leggings are oldies. Faded and pilled and ripping at the seems. Ah well. My air forces are tore right up. It’s all good. It’s not a super fancy spot. Thankfully I started watching the interview with a vampire series. I don’t like how they made Luis and LeStat gay. I do like how Louis and Claudia are black.

Oh, by the way, I quit my job at the daycare. I hope if I ever work in a daycare again that it’s my own daycare. I’m almost at my stop. Wish me luck at da club tonight. Please go easy anxiety.

Mon Dec 18 2023 852am

I’m at the rec centre trying to stick… actually I’m not trying. Let me try that sentence again. I’m at the rec centre sticking to my schedule. I uploaded an amazon kindle direct publishing e book and paper back in the last 24 hours and I’m just waiting for them to get reviewed so they can go live. I’m a bit upset because I excitedly told someone about me publishing my book and it seemed as though they were questioning my mental health in an underhanded subtle way. It was strange. I don’t know who I can tell about my successes. Who I can be excited around. People cut me down. I think I just need to work more. All the time. Unless I’m making money with someone, I’m growing tired of trying to have a healthy reciprocal relationship. I’m trying not to cry right now. The person who low key doesn’t seem happy for me is very very very close to me.

Yahoo! My audible credit is today. I bought emotional intelligence by Daniel Goleman. Woot woot! The sample was awesome. I think it’ll be a good listen. Oh my gawd. I just saw a sexy man go towards the pool. I guess I should go see if I can see him in his swim suit. Preferably speedos.

Fri Dec 29 2023 1234am

Hm. Let’s see. What does it mean when you see the number 1234. Angle number 1234 means to have faith even when you can’t see how the puzzle pieces will fit together. Hm. Well seeing as I just made the decision to get a pay day loan to buy my ticket to Senegal. I suppose I’m definitely walking through life with a pocket full of puzzle pieces. And all the puzzle pieces are the same shade of grey. I put a post on FB’s childcare seekers and givers group to offer childcare and got a response right away. At 1 in the a.m.! She’s a night owl. She asked me if I do nanny share and said she and someone she knows pays $32 An hour to a nanny for a share. Wowzers. I have to work to pay for my Senegal trip. I’m on the search for a place to relocate all of my family and call home. Should be interesting to see if I can create a nice enough oasis that my family would want to leave BC and or Trinidad or other countries they’re living in to join me. I really hope I can. And if I can’t I hope I can create a family of my own. Or a surrogate family of friends. I’m exhausted but had too much caffeine. Guess I’ll turn off the music and lights and lay in bed until the caffeine subsides and I can sleep. Gotta rise and look for the lowest interest payday loan soon. It’s 141am. Better turn off my 5:01 am alarm.

Sat Dec 30 2023 320pm

Some Jazzy instruments end the song. “Keep it gold”. By Surfaces. The music video shows images of a group of youngsters traveling around in a Volkswagen van like Scooby doo and going cliff jumping and camping and beaching. Looks like fun. I just thought of having a biz where I print a word on a tote bag, or paper bags, and then have biz’s in certain communities put their logo or name on the bag and I give out at stores for free. Positive words and phrases. I love this idea.

Sun Dec 31 2023 255am

I woke up at the tail end of a dream where a woman squeezed a mans balls until it popped and other men watched. The woman may or may not have been me. What the absolute fuck. That’s so fucked up and disturbing. Well. It’s the last day of the year. I was hoping I would’ve accomplished more so that I would have something exceptional to say for my YouTube video tomorrow. I have uploaded an ebook and paper book for print on demand and on kindle direct publishing. I also started my YouTube channel. And I will continue to figure out how to make my Etsy shop work. I better work on that now. Oh, by the way. I have a terrible feeling of doom. I hope it’s just the after effects of drinking from last night.

Mon Jan1 2023 1210am

The snap crackle popping of fireworks are slowing down. 10 minutes ago I could hear the excited count down of the group of children upstairs, my landlords' kids. It’s 2024. The first year I stayed home on this night in a really long time.

A friend and my Ex were here earlier. It was really good to see him. I missed him. I got my Etsy store up and running today and edited a Youtube video that’s over 50 minutes long. And I have a video interview today at 1pm to nanny for a 1 year old. I’mma get my land. Lemme research what activities you do with a 1 year old. Lots of sensory activities. Any who.

Thur Jan 11 2024 324am

I’ve been awake since 1232am. I finished the illustrations for my next book. I’m not tired at all. I’m so frustrated with my life. I want to jump off a bridge. I won’t, but I want to.

My life feels so pointless. Sometime in the back of my mind I wonder what the point of my life is. How many humans feel like me? I wish my alien ship would take me back to our planet so I could take my skin off and be a ball of glowing light like in the movie from 1985 ~ Coccon. I love that movie.

They can give, the aliens, can give other beings orgasms telepathically. Wow. I’d love to give someone an orgasm with my mind. Non of that messy skin to skin stuff. Is it an alien that gives me my gasms? My phantom orgasms?

I guess since I’m wide awake I’ll just … ouch! I’m starting to get stabbing pains on my coochie. What the. Wonder why that’s happening. Maybe it’s mad at me cuz I don’t give it any D. Any who. I’mma go to the rec centre at 6am. Unless I fall asleep for some blessed reason.

1251pm

I’m so frustrated!! I know there is something strange happening in my life. The songs speak to me. Movies tell the plots of my other reality. Even ones that I’ve never told anyone. The gasms freak me out and make me angry. Bad mood gasm. Sad gasm. Fed up gasm. I don’t want an orgasm I didn’t ask for. So many of them. It’s tiring. Such a strange problem to have. Sometimes I just want to become an alcoholic and have a false sense of contentment. I won’t, but on days when I feel like rolling down a hill and off a cliff onto large rocks at the edge of the ocean…

...wow. Am I emo? Any who, as I was saying, I won’t be an alcoholic. I think I’m thinking like an angsty teenager because I woke up so early and my brain is trying to fight me. They say the hot tub closes down around 1pm for half an hour. I think I’ll go ask them. I’m at the rec centre. It’s quiet. It’s like the recreation centre gods know that I would be overloaded by a lot of people at the moment.

Mon Jan 15 2024 639pm

Yahoo-pla-supah-doopah! I got an email offer to increase my credit limit from $300 to $800 with Capital one. Yahoo! If the ideal utilization rate is 30% or less then I can spend up to $240 or less. Much better than the $90 from before. I also YouTubed my way to fixing my printer. It’s amazing how much you can do and learn online. I’ve been feeling so low energy lately. I’m doing my best to track my mood and period.

Sun Jan 28 2024 426pm

I’m 54 minutes into my reservation at the revolving restaurant. I’m here to celebrate Synergize Community Media Inc’s birthday. The day I incorporated. Oh! I just had an idea I can have my own website that gets sponsors and advertisers for the stuff and thangs I gush over and love. Which are of course one in the same thing. I can have photos and videos on my site. Of places, people and products I like. I suppose I can also do that with my YouTube and books. I need to read that sponsorship book.

Sun Feb 4 2024 1147am

Oh my. I’m trying not to cry. The band is singing about god’s grace being enough. The thought; “I’m lonely. I’m lonely. I’m lonely” repeats in my mind as the church’s 200 or so people clap and sway. I hope the pastor gives a gentle sermon today. I don’t want to go to Senegal, but I’m pretty sure I’m going. I don’t want to be away from my family and friends and everything I know including the one language I know. But I’m pretty sure I’m going, I’m finding it hard to breath at the moment., What can I do to not cry? Let me take 3 deep breaths. 10 seems like too much at the moment…. That helped. There are 63 pages left in this journal and on the 61st someone wrote “Hi” and something in Arabic or another language that looks similar. What the? I wonder who had this journal before Dreadlock ex gave it to me? When I saw the Arabic my dad popped into my head. It’s been 20 years and I still miss him. This song says “everything’s gonna be alright” the congregation loves it. They’re Vibing right out. Tee-hee.

What exciting occurrence can I procure by the ed of this journal? Hm… Think … Thnank… Thunk…. If I could raise enough money to buy my first property that would be lovely. If I could buy my first property at least the land. That would be the bomb diggity daggaty, doogity.

Thur Feb 8 2024 759am

Katy Perry sings about a woman who is a grain of sand rather than a pyramid. Yikes. I feel like I’ve experienced that in my life. People, men and women, will cut you down if you start to evolve and they’re not ready for you to do so. Aw. Katy is saying the girl is just a shell of herself now. That’s definitely how I feel compared to when I was 20. I’m sitting on my 3 pronged mini stool camping chair in a line of about 20 people waiting for the health clinic to open. My wrist, back, and bicep are all achey. I have to find out about getting my knee surgery and burning my wonky blood vessel in my nose hole that bleeds every winter. As I’m eating healthier and healthier my energy levels are increasing. I went from drinking 3 French presses of coffee to 1 and a cup yesterday. Yay to being healthy. I’m feeling over and underwhelmed. I have less than no money and I’m living off my credit card. I wake up in the a.m. , actually, I should start calling it mourning again cuz most days I do mourn that I have to face another day. I was at the community centre and some teenagers looked me in my eye and snorted like a pig. I don’t feel huge enough to deserve that (not that anyone deserves it). Maybe I look bigger than my skinny mirror reflects. On the up and up, I had a consult with an organization that would like some video work. After the consult I told them what is included in my package. They refused to pay me the $497 I was asking for and said they’ll pay me $700. " $497 is not enough!” They had exclaimed. They were shocked at my low price. Thank you Allah, Jesus, Buddha, Universe, Scientologists, Atheists. Haha. Thank you all. Oh, the line is moving. They opened early. How nice. Is my mourn-ing turning into a good day? How can I make this day better? Sometimes the community centre is hit and miss because of the shitty people, kids, teenagers, oinking at me yesterday. Those little shit heads.

… A realtor I left a message for about the office in the healthcare centre called. The office is’t suitable for a photo studio or clubhouse for my Non profit or media company. I think I’m going to get called to go in the doctor’s office soon, so I better pack up.

Fri Feb 9 2024 8:10pm

I’m at the ebony roots performance at Yaletown roundhouse. I’m anxious as hell. I want everyone to shut up and stop telepathically attacking me. I don’t think I’m ever going to feel like a calm person around people that probably don’t love themselves and are trying to bring me down to their self loathing level. As I’m spending more time by myself. Not by choice. I”m learning that I am very happy once I settle into Tassleem’s company. Some people are also gentle on my mind. But I feel most people live in a jarring society so they are constantly trying to jar the unjarred so they can relate. I don’t want to be in an airless jar. Senegal. Here I come. I hope I can breath there. This event is by Sound the Alarm music company. Leo, an amazing singer who I use to live with, is performing. They’re so talented.

1051pm

So you’re my

Competition?

I have an idea.

I’ll pick you

Apart

Until

I have

Fear.

Is this me

You?

Sat Feb 10 2024 901am

I want to work wth orphanages all over the world. Starting in Senegal. I want to create more orphanages that are also schools or rather the kids are home schooled. Yes. Maybe this is what my life is for.

Mon Feb 12 2024 646am

I’m listening to a song about a couple who want to quit their jobs and have sex all day. Haha. I love it. That was me when I was 20. That was an amazing year for sex and I. I’ve been in flow all last night and this a.m., working on the Khaliyl’s kids family photos happening next week. Flowwwwww! I’m about to go to the community centre. Pool, gym, hot tub, sauna and people watching.

8:00am

Oh my Santa! I’m at the community centre. Earlier I was getting undressed in the universal changing hallway where the lockers are and the pool and anyone walking around can see you and I took my bikini top off. My tit was out and everything. In public!!! If anyone was looking in my direction they would’ve seen my boob! I have been so absent minded today.

I’m sad and frustrated and saw an article of happy foods.

Watermelon
Sweet Potato
Cherries
Kale
Popcorn
Spinach
Coconut water
Flax
Bok Choy
Chia
Apples
Carrots
Banana
Celery
Almonds
Cabbage
Salmon
Egg
Cashews
Kimci
Pineapple
Kiwi
Kale

658pm

I carry around

This bottle of poison

Sip

Killing one bad

Thought with

Every bottle and

Battered brain cell

Less life

Damnation

Tue Feb 13 2024 651pm

I’m watching the movie Dumb Money. It’s 49 minutes and 42 seconds in and I love it. I want a jogging track around my house and a wrap around porch. Also, I just realized that capital one has a spending chart. A pie. Wow! My spending on the credit card is as follows

28% groceries

24% other services

18% Phone/cable

10% Dining

9% Gas/ automotive

(I’m borrowing my momma’s car)

6% merchandise

5% other spending

That looks fair. Too much money looks like it’s going to other services.Whatever that spending was. No idea.

Any who, I think I’m going to go to the beer store. Should I? They’re always drinking in this movie and they’re successful. This movie is based on a true story! Love those. I’m not going to drink. I’ll drink tea and water. I just had two glasses of water and now I feel better and I’m boiling water to make my favourite apple cinnamon tea. That’s one win for Tassleem on the fight against alcohol.

Wed Feb 21 2024 745am

I left home at 633am and arrived at my skytrain stop at 711am. Over one hour and 19 minutes early for my first day at my new job. Better really early than one minute late I believe. I had a jerk chicken rice bowl at subway and I’m just going to bunker down here until I start work. I’ve been awake since 1am. I finished the script for Red fox society. My project that New Hope Media hired me for. I hope my clock resets and I stop waking up at 1 in the a.m. I went to His performance at a place called Jib space the other day. He’s getting better at performing and having a stage presence. I asked him if I could be his manager. Mom told me not to do too many things when I told her about being his manager. Not to spread myself too thin. I can’t wait to see who I can have a crush on at my new job. I hope my fake boyfriend Muhammad doesn’t mind. Muhammad is a snapchat generated picture of me as a man. Strong jaw line and stuble to boot.

Oh oh. I’m getting tired. I forgot to mention I had a date yesterday. He came over and we. Listened to music. He wanted to kiss me but I said I want to get to know people I date before any kind of physical gesture. Ok. Now I’m getting a bit scared about work and meeting people that might be mean and not being able to do a good job and not being able to hide my weirdness. I suppose I should stop making myself anxious and get ready to walk over.

Friday Feb 23 2024 447pm

Megan Thee Stallion let’s me know she has a liquid pussy. I’m at sushi garden for a post work pre help Christian ECE organize post move early diner. My dogs are barking. I need shoe insoles or something. It’s the end of my first week at work. I got my period today. So maybe that explains the tears yesterday and today. I put pics of the home page of Khaliyl’s kids and Synergize community, my babies, with some pics of my family at my desk at work.

Thur Feb 29 2024 714pm

Oh my Santa! I saw a deposit for $10.75 In my bank account this a.m. cuz I sold a book! Yahoo! Ii’m so excited! I think this is my first online sale. On a leap year day. Kind of memorable. Makes me want to go harder with promoting my books. Ahh! I can’t believe it! Finally made money while sleeping. Ahhh! Ahhh!

Fri Mar 1 2024 208am

Oh my fucking gawd. I’m the one who bought the fuckin’ book. I found the KDP sales spread sheet and realized it was sold between December 1st 2023 and December 31 2023. Uhhhh.. Waaaaa. That’s when I bought a copy to see what the buyer process would be. Oh well. I’m still excited. The fake sale still got me excited. I’m sad excited. Before I found out that I’m the mystery shopper I woke up at 1am and started working on the publishing process of putting my book: Mouth Quiet, into the e-world.

Mon Mar 4 2024 717pm

I went to a speed dating event on Saturday. It was more fun and less anxiety than I thought it’d be. I liked 2 and a half guys out of 20 and found out about 30 minutes ago from the exuberant organizer that I matched with all of them. She said she would send them my number. The feminist in me wonders whey I don’t get their numbers as well. What if I want to make the first move? Bumble styles?

She asked me if I’d want to do it again. I told her I hope one of these guys are my husband. But if not I would do it again. Better call momma and gab about it.

Tue Mar 5 2024 626am

Am I in the era of

2nd choices

The one that you

Wanted

Wanted another

So here we are

2nd choices

Let’s be

Firsts again

Make it that

Way

Wed Mar 6 2024 218pm

I’m at the mall watching Mr. Pretzels’s employee rub something on a long cylinder dough mass. Dang! Sexual!

Any who. I saw an Adonis today. He was about 6’5 with a kind face and close cut beard. He looked like a giant modern day lumber jack. Yum-for-me. Chomp comp. I wanna bite him. All over. Oh my gawd! The pretzel lady just picked up a handful of 12 inch looking dough dicks. Haha. And put them under a dome silver tray. Like it’s some kind of delicacy. For some women 12 inches is a delicacy. For me it’s being gutted alive from the inside. No spank you very much. I’ve had about 3 cheese buns today to quench my cheese burger longing. It’s working. I’m too stuffed to have a burger. I think the buns are a healthier alternative. For lunch I made chick pea and bok chow soup with honey. Nom nom! My taste buds don’t want for much. Oh! This guy named Chams @papachams93, Chamseddine Yaf, just stopped and said hi. He’s so handsome! I met him at Calabash about a month ago. Men are coming out the wood works. This sexy beast I know from way back in the day messaged me last night out of the blue. We have’t spoke in ages. Damn he was gorgeous when I bumped into him a year ago.

My speed dating match messaged me all day everyday since he got my number from the organizer on Monday. It’s so different than what I’m used to. I’m running out of pages in this journal and as far as I remember, nothing substantial has occurred. At least I got a 6 month contract as a mail clerk. I will either buy one or two pieces of land in Senegal with the money I make. Well, time to head back to work. It would be nice if something fantastical happened before the end of this book. Like immaculate conception. Rapid pregnancy like in the show Umbrella Academy. Birth of a set of healthy twins. A boy and a girl. And of course a marriage proposal.

Thur Mar 7 2024 810am

I applied to The Black Picth contest by Blackentrepreneursbc.org and can possibly win $25,000. There are 250 or 230 pitches that applied. So I don’t think I’ll win, but at least I can see all the businesses and see if any of them need media work done. I’m having heart pains. I gotta cut down on the fried chicken wings.

With this mail clerk job I should have between $10,000 and $15,000 saved by end of August. I would love to buy land in Senegal as well as here in BC with a bunch of people. I saw a plot of land, 145 acres, for $150,000 with no zoning in the interior of BC. Oh my goodness! I would love to buy a piece of land like that and start my wellness centre. Can I? Yes we can. (I hope that phrase isn’t trade marked by Obama). I wonder how much it would cost a lawyer to write up a contract if other people want to buy in. And if they don’t want to be part of it anymore they would have to sell their shares in the company that is holding the property or something. I’m not really sure how it would work. I have to create a description on what exactly would be involved with the investment and find out how much building would cost. Off grid most likely since it’s in the middle of nowhere. My cousin already said he would invest if I sell 100 acres to 100 people for $3,000. That would cover building the 1st tiny home or maybe clearing some of the property or advertising to get investors,

And then I would get to keep 45 acres for my home and the community centre. Yay. So it would be $3,000 for 1 acre and you can buy multiple acres. I have to figure out share structure. Maybe I’ll call the first structure after my Momma’s name. Momma’s name means “one who attains” and it is perfect for an incubator for biz people who want a successful lifestyle and biz. Good name.

Fri Mar 8 2024 811am

I called a realtor yesterday about the 150,000 acre property for $145,000 CAD 12 hours into the interior. It is under contract. So it is in the process of being sold. It would’ve been the perfect property. It had no zoning! That means I could build an amusement park and have raves through the night if I wanted. Which would be a great use of some of the property. I also spoke with my paralegal and explained how I want a contract for people to go in on a piece of land with me. He said it would cost $750-$2500 to create. I should really buy the course I saw on Instagram that shows how to buy land and start an off grid business that brings in $30,000 per month I’m exhausted and my stomach hurts. I had a teriyaki rice bowl from subway. I think I should go on an elimination diet to see what foods give me energy and don’t hurt my tummy wummy. I got paid today and I had to spend pretty much all of my pay check on paying my credit card and I still have about $300 more to pay. Yikes! Any who, gotta… oh yeah, the speed dating organizer told me the guy I matched with lied about his age. When I confronted him he said when he was moving to Canada his employer or the work program he wanted to get into wanted you to be 30 or younger. So he paid someone in Ghana to change his birth year and that he’s actually 43. Hm. I dunno. That kind of doesn’t sit well with me. Any who, coffee time.

234pm

I feel like I drank alcohol last night. My stomach hurt up until I ate some superstore sushi 5 minutes ago. All day my tummy and body ached. Why should I stay sober all the time if I’m going to be hung over. Should I drink on my date tomorrow?

I just finished reading some info about buying and building in Senegal. Not sure if it pertains to a foreigner buying. I’m at my lunch bench at the mall. People watching. It’s so strange how when someone wears a skirts or shorts exposing bare skin in winter amongst all the long pants the skin revealer instantly looks like a whore. A male slut. I’m just saying. They look naked amongst the sea of covered up normies. I think I could be overthinking. Eww! A dog just pooped in the mall. Nasty.

… Uhck. I feel hung over again. I thought the food would help. Maybe the subway I had earlier was bad. Time to get back to work.

Sat Mar 9 2024 1154am

I’m at the community centre for the 1st time since I started work on the 21st. Feels good. I’m not looking forward to walking home. I have to go home and tidy up before my date with the age lier. He’s cooking dinner for us.

456pm

My date should be here in 4 minutes. I just saw a co-working space close to what I want with my wellness centre.

It’ s called and-co.ca

Except I want people to live there from 3 months to forever minimum. I’m sad. Actually I’m frustrated. This dream of mine is taking forever to materialize. I want to start now. I tried having productivity sessions. The thing is. I would like to be compensated for creating space. For offering accountability and knowledge and snacks. That’s not too much to ask is it? Oh oh. He’s late. Technically he wanted to come between 4pm and 5pm but I felt rushed so I asked him to come at the original time. Is he going to be my husband? I wonder what he’ll say when he sees my ginormous vision board that says “I am moving to Senegal before January 1sts 2026”? Haha. Let’s see if he says anything.

504pm

He’s here. Wish me luck.

8:55pm

He just left. And I must say I let err rip as soon as he stepped out the door. Been holding that fart in for a while. He seams nice and he cooks like a chef. He was so respectful. So, so respectful. He Brought me Frerrero Rocher chocolates in a container the shape of a bunny and he kept making little comments about wether I will want to see him again as thought he would be winning the honour. I think I’ll see him again. He asked me if my hair was real and when I said yes he inspected the front to see if it was a wig. He even pulled on my hair. That was kind of weird, but it’s not the first or 4th time that’s happened in my life. And he didn’t ask about my vision board.

Mon Mar 11 2024

706am

I just got on the bus to go to work. I really didn’t feel like going to work today. Here I go anyways. I got a client to do some media work at the end of April. I think I’m going to buy a new camera and probably a stabilizer gimbal. Then I’ll be set to film and I won’t have to borrow equipment anymore. I really have to budget my money before it’s all gone. I’m going to a concert on Wednesday. Testing out what it’s like to go out on a work night. Hope it’s fun. Any who. My stop’s coming up. Oh yeah. A friend came over yesterday. She’s in a real estate group where she invested $10,000 into a property with 10-12 other women. That’s amazing. And I think they learn about investing together. Coolio.

Tue Mar 12 2024 817am

I’m at work listening to the song; Bitter Sweet Symphony. I’m watching the cars below. They look like hot wheel toy cars from the 17th floor where my office is located. The thought of wanting to see a car crash flashes in my mind. How terrible. I’m pretty much at the end of this journal. By the end of the next journal I should have my land in Senengal. And be building, or if I work hard, be finished building my 1st home. My nose stings. Signs of the need to cry. I start my mail clerk shift in 5 minutes. I want to cry . Hormones from my period and frustration for not having a business that I love and pays for my life. I think I’m getting better at acquiring the skills. Until the next chapter. Toodle oo.

TASSLEEM LEE

Adulting: Chronicles of a Pessimist’s success

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